I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
