The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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