Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
