shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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