toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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