i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
