i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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