i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
