Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
