woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
