I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
