I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
