ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
