I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
