I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I think a kid would responsible me up
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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