he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
