we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
