Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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