Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
why is half of my head shaved?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
