I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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