i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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