My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
