There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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