The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
