well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
