well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
