I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
