Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
