If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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