if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
