guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
