i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
