Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
