i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
