Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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