you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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