I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
