A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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