Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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