Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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