My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
