So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.