Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
