the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
