if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
