I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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