Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
