Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
