I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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