You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
