Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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