When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
