You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
