WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
