I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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