New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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