Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i dont even know how to be here
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
