i think my tv is drunk
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
