And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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